New relationships and wintertime go hand in hand. The fall leading up to it just seems like the perfect time to fall in love and go on cute little dates. Then December hits — the nights get longer, people get lonelier and there’s less to do.
We start to crave the warmth of other people and something to fill our time with. A boyfriend or girlfriend presents themselves as the perfect distraction from the depths of winter — someone who will be able to accompany you through the trenches.
At this time of year, couples’ holidays are at their peak. Christmas gifts, New Year’s kisses and, most importantly, a valentine. No matter how old you are, having a valentine is a flex. It could be the whole class sending you notes in kindergarten, a high school boyfriend giving you flowers or a husband suddenly surprising you with a date after years of marriage. Valentine’s Day reminds the world that love is still all around, even in cold, isolating times. But for those without a Valentine, it just makes the cold … colder. With everyone around them showing off their relationships, the lonely start to feel lonelier. Despite all the great parts of being single, people can still feel isolated.
Then came dating apps, making it worse. People try to flex how many matches they have in comparison to others. They want validation from people online and from their friends. Dating becomes a competition, not romantic and fun. On Valentine’s Day, social media makes being in a relationship the most viral and valuable topic. If you have one, you’re ‘winning.’ And everyone loves to win.
Social media has always been performative, and it gets worse every day. How someone feels doesn’t matter — they’re going to present an aesthetically pleasing, perfectly organized, happy life to the public. On days like Valentine’s Day or National Girlfriend Day, suddenly everyone you’ve ever known has a brand new, amazing relationship. It can be hard to be alone, especially since, as humans, we desire the happiness that everyone in these relationships has.
This unsatisfied need for romantic love is what leads to things like dating apps and relationships that shouldn’t be happening. People start forcing a relationship when they don’t need one. The public claims that in these times of need, a dating app is the perfect solution. They say dating apps work because there are personality and demographic-based questions that help you get a sense of who people are and not just what they look like. But, no matter how many quirky and fun answers you put on your profile, at the end of the day, it’s not about those questions.
People like your photos, and the app becomes a game of presenting yourself in the most perfect way possible, which makes you seem more desirable to others. Dating apps lead to insecurity, self-doubt and excessive comparison. On a dating app, you’re performatively showing a ‘best’ version of yourself that isn’t accurate at all. Apps such as Hinge are like a fake audition for a role that you’re trying to make yourself fit into, when you should really be playing another character. You’re not finding someone that has come into your life and fits it for a reason — you’re convincing someone to date you based solely on looks and an alleged personality.
Personally, I feel that most people know these things about dating apps, so why try to force a relationship that way? Why try to force a relationship at all?
Online and in conversation, relationships seem like a great idea. Even after heartbreak, we forget the bad parts of a relationship. In an average conversation about a significant other, we aren’t talking about the bad parts — we save that just for our best friends. But when the good is at the front of our minds, we forget everything else because no one talks about it. Everyone knows — but seems to conveniently forget — that relationships are incredibly up-and-down. When a dating app comes into play, all the realities go out the window. You’re trying too hard to make the picture-perfect image of a relationship happen, and it’s never going to work out like that.
If a relationship isn’t showing up in your life, maybe you’re not ready to take on someone else’s life in addition to your own. It could be that your life right now doesn’t have space for another person. A relationship isn’t something to be achieved or won — it isn’t an accomplishment that needs to be checked off a list — it is something that will develop when you least expect it. I think dating apps promote that exact kind of mentality of needing a relationship. If you’re desperately trying to find a relationship, it might not be what you need right now.
Just like with a job, finding a relationship is gradual and not always where you would expect it to be. Most adults will say their career path did not go how they expected it to. A potential job they thought was best for them turned out to be depressing, despite seeming perfect on paper. Instead of forcing a fit, feed into and give back to yourself. The people who are meant for you and who will be there to help you grow will gravitate towards you. Someone who shows up gradually and naturally integrates into your life will fit you and your schedule best, because it happens naturally.
At the end of the day, a relationship isn’t going to solve your problems. Instead of pressuring a relationship into your life, give back to yourself. Focus on developing your career, put more effort into your gym routine, start a passion project or pick up a new book. Most importantly, take in love where you can find it, outside of just romance, and appreciate where you are at now. There is so much more to life than a significant other. It can be hard to remember, especially at this time of year, but remember that you are your own person and fully complete without someone else.
Rose Skees is a freshman at UT this year studying communication studies. She can be reached at [email protected].
Columns and letters of The Daily Beacon are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Beacon or the Beacon’s editorial staff.
