She’s done it again.
A certain UT president, in a move eerily reminiscent of the Sex Week Fiasco of 2013, has stood her ground in the wake of the latest liberal nonsense. The controversy began when the UT Pride Center, a haven of liberal political correctness on UT’s campus, released a memo suggesting ways to be more inclusive of transgender and gender-nonconforming UT students.
The memo advised faculty and staff to be aware of gender-neutral pronouns, such as “they, them, their” and “xe, xem, xyr,” and to ask students which pronouns they prefer. After an unexpectedly vehement response from power-hungry legislators and bitter alumni statewide, the President responded decisively to this memo, stating that she would not stand for a more welcoming and inclusive environment at her university.
“This is ludicrous,” she said, shaking her fist angrily. “Being inclusive of minority groups is inherently un-American. Just look at those Indians, still begging us to call them Native Americans. This country is losing the war against political correctness, and we will make this right by removing this offensive memo from our website immediately.”
The university Chancellor echoed the president’s sentiments: “President is right when she says that we have to stop making students feel welcome on this campus. We have been working so hard to make it into the Princeton Review’s Top 5 ‘Most LGBTQ+ Unfriendly Colleges and Universities,’ and we will not let our hard work go to waste. These PC liberals might be upset with President, but I stand behind her 100 percent.” She received a standing ovation as xe stepped off the podium and headed to xyr second press conference of the day.
As xe arrived onstage at the second press conference, she was immediately interrupted by a certain Republican state senator. He jumped onstage, grabbed the microphone and proceeded to read her “Manifesto Against Pronouns I Can’t Pronounce.” In his 350-page manifesto, he illustrates the absurdity of changing one’s gender pronouns with a convincing analogy: “I didn’t ask to share a last name with a large, semiaquatic rodent,” she said, “But just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I get to change it.”
Local LGBTQ+ activist said she is disappointed with the administrators’ response to the Pride Center’s initiative, likening the center’s recommendations to standard preferred name policies in the classroom. “Teachers call the roll and say ‘James Austin Clarence Jackson III,’ and the kid will say, ‘I go by Will.’ That doesn’t even make sense. Why can we arbitrarily change our names but can’t use pronouns that make us more comfortable?”
A member of the UT Chapter of Young Americans for Freedom, responded to such comments by pulling a dictionary out of his backpack, turning to the x’s and pointing furiously at the space immediately below “xylophone.” “Do you see ‘xyr’ anywhere? I didn’t think so. If it’s not in the dictionary, I refuse to use it.”
Despite Tennessee liberals’ efforts to eliminate “he” and “she” from the campus vocabulary and render UT a genderless wasteland, the malignant memo has been removed from the university’s website. Efforts to find the memo on Google are only met with a “Page Cannot Be Found” message. The Tennessee Gov., a fervent opponent of the pronoun recommendation, called this action by the university “a victory,” saying, “I am happy that my tax dollars are no longer paying the outrageous costs necessary to maintain a web page. It’s a good thing this information is gone from the Internet for good.”
When asked if she was aware that Harvard, Yale and Princeton still had similar memos available on their web pages, the Gov. responded, “Ah, phooey.” She could not be reached for further comment on the matter.
The author wrote this piece in a satirical style. Therefore, all quotes are made up in order to serve the author’s intention.
Summer Awad is a senior in College Scholars. She can be reached at [email protected].
