Dr. Stooksbury, this one is for you.
After falling a pathetic 790 “friends” short of a thousand in my facebook megaverse, I have been forced to turn to other options to reach my goal. No Average Joe has a thousand friends. It’s not possible. Real people run out of steam, and give up on the whole friend making process.
Think about your friends from high school. What the hell are they doing know? This of course excludes alumni of Farragut, McCallie, Hume Fogg, Baylor, Christian Brothers or any other school where coming to UT is considered a step back. We normies hate you all.
It takes a special person. Someone who is personable and friendly, in that fake kind of way. Someone who will go out of his or her way to make someone feel important or listened to. Basically, the only type of person who could conceivably know a thousand people is someone who in reality isn’t friends with any of them, but in fact just claims to know them through some lame association.
I know what you’re thinking … a sorority girl, right? Sorry, I’m not that insecure. I don’t look good in pink or passed out on a frat guy’s bed.
No, I have decided to become a politician. (Cue theme music from “The Distinguished Gentleman” … it had Eddie Murphy in it …. I swear, it really was a movie. They play it sometimes on NBC when the network is feeling funny.)
People like people with a cause … and I suppose with synonym usage as well. Gotta work on that. Other than my horrific grammar and “spelin’” skills, I have the background people would look for in a leader and public servant. Wait a minute. Do those contradict? I guess leaders are Republican and public servants are Democrats. Oh, and anyone associated with Ralph Nader would be considered the “Voice of the People,” since all they do is complain about stuff. That makes sense.
I was raised in the backwoods of Cocke County, Tenn., living off the land and the occasional Happy Meal. I also struggled through the Great Depression of ’93. That’s when the Backstreet Boys performed their first concert. So I’m weathered, but I’m also a smarty pants at heart … or head I suppose.
Like most freshmen I took Political Science 101. Granted I was actually a junior, but I did take it. You’ll be impressed. I made a C+. You can thank Kara Stooksbury for that one. That means I’m above average, which is more than I can say for our president (har har har). Or should say “Leader of ‘C’ World …”
Sorry, that will never happen again. I promise. Jokes like that are usually reserved for our comics page.
To be politician, one needs a mission or a platform. The people need to identify with their leader/public servant/Nader. My first order of business is a little bill I like call “Let’s get rid of Memphis.” Seriously, it’s awful. Why is it still part of this state? Don’t agree? Please, read the following.
Memphis defense attorney Leslie Ballin recently received what she called the “jury pool from hell.” A group of prospective jurors was summoned on Monday to hear a case about “trailer park violence.” No, I’m not kidding.
After jury selection began in the Shelby County Criminal Court, one juror left saying, “I’m on morphine and I’m higher than a kite.” At this point, I thought it might be a fraternity prank. No such luck.
When the group was asked if anyone had been convicted of a crime, one mentioned he’d been arrested and taken to a mental hospital. Why? The man shot his nephew because he “just wouldn’t come out from under the bed.” Beale Street doesn’t sound so majestic now does it? Another potential juror was arrested for soliciting the dirty mambo (sex) from an undercover officer.
“I should have known something was up,” he said. “She had all her teeth.”
Yet another juror volunteered he probably shouldn’t be on the jury.
“In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin (as your lawyer), you’re probably guilty,” he said.
He wasn’t picked, sadly. And what was the case about you might ask? A woman was charged with hitting her brother’s girlfriend in the face with a brick. She was found not guilty.
If this hasn’t convinced you, I will continue to lobby day and night, through every trailer park fight.
Oh, and thanks to all of you that have joined the “Fight 4 a Thousand.” Keep recruiting. And, if you have Dr. Stooksbury right now tell her David Keith said hello. She loves him.
— Glenn LaFollette is a super-senior in journalism and electronic media. He can be reached at [email protected].
