I would just like to settle something that you have all been clamoring about for some time. It’s gone on long enough, and we just need to get the truth out there and deal with it.

There is no God.

I’m sorry if this comes as news to you. The reality is that God actually retired back in 1982. The ’60s and ’70s wore him out, so he left the company to Jesus and bought a nice little house down in Palm Springs.

Oh, the Big Man — now known as Pedro Fizzleworth-Diaz — still gets involved from time to time. The Red Sox did win the Series, and somehow the Pope waltzes around death on a weekly basis. But the business just hasn’t been the same with Junior running the show.

Satan seems to be advancing on all fronts. The Atkins Diet was a direct effort by Lucifer to stifle Jesus’ popularity in Europe. No one wanted to see his duplicating bread trick due to the hatred of carbs.

Also, Jesus got lazy. Instead of actually telling people what to do, he just made his followers wear bracelets and make their own decisions. His workplace etiquette began to suffer. He would just disappear for two or three days then show up tired and even bleeding sometimes. Some wouldn’t even recognize him.

Overall, society has begun to crumble. Without God … wait … I mean Pedro to dish out creativity and genius, humanity began a slow decline toward retardation. Don’t believe me?

Reality television has boomed in popularity. The Republicans have gained an overwhelming majority in Congress. Someone decided not only to watch, but to make a sequel to the “Blue Collar Comedy Tour.”

This leads me to today’s lesson. When the brain factory shut down, state senators Doug Jackson and Diane Black were left banging on the front door. The two are Middle Tennessee senators sponsoring a bill going through the state senate to prevent homosexual couples from adopting children in state custody.

Now, I’m not gay. I never decided to join a fraternity (drumroll). But a bill — which also includes restrictions for unwed couples — preventing willing would-be parents from taking a child is asinine. Imagine the conversation for that social worker.

CHILD: Sir, will I have anyone to love and care for me this Christmas?

WORKER: Well, sorry Timmy, looks like coal again.

CHILD: But what about that sweet gentleman with the nice sense of style or that larger lady who coached softball … didn’t they want me?

WORKER: No, I’m afraid not, Timmy. You see that man was gay and basically according to our government, he’s not a real person. Neither was the lady with the short hair.

CHILD: Really? Then what are they?

WORKER: Oh, they’re kind of like zombies. You see they could never love you because they’re sick with this crazy disease called “sexual preference.” And we don’t want you catching that awful disease, do we?

CHILD: I guess not, but I sure would like a family.

WORKER: Wouldn’t we all, Timmy … now back in your cage.

If you’re a conservative, you’ve put the newspaper down by now, prayed a few times and added my name to some sort of communist watch list. Basically, now I’m not really worried about saying anything that would offend you.

This isn’t an issue that requires a liberal stance to see daylight on. Jackson, Black and supporters of similar laws already in effect in Florida and Mississippi argue that gays don’t offer a “traditional home” and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to adopt. This bill is like a groupie of the gay marriage bans throughout the country.

I have commitment issues, so I don’t really care about issues involving the ball-‘n’-chain. But children without homes are a different story.

What is a traditional home? I didn’t realize that one partner having a penis and the other a vagina was pivotal to social development. Most in my generation — myself included — grew up without one of our parents, thereby missing one of the necessary sexual organs. Aside from some commitment problems, we turned out to be OK — not zombies.

It would seem that love, emotional support and — call me crazy — a family atmosphere would be considered a traditional family. But since it’s not, let’s just take kids that we’re already having problems getting rid of and stick them back in the cooler.

Maybe Mississippi and Florida should have thought this through before passing their restriction laws. Maybe gays could adopt, but the children could be put on a strict heterosexual development program.

WORKER: All right, Billy, I want you to put the headset on and just watch the tape.

CHILD: Sir, what’s that pizza delivery man doing? It looks like he’s hurting that lady.

WORKER: That’s right, Billy, he’s hurting her. And that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Men are suppose to hurt women, not other men. It’s natural.

— Glenn LaFollette is a super-senior in journalism and electronic media. He can be reached at [email protected].