“Mianzi, lian and guanxi.” Here are the distinctions as I know them.

Mianzi is face, in the realm of social prestige.

June, her brother and I were at Lu Xiang, a local mall. As her brother left, June shouted at him to meet us in Starbucks. Everyone within earshot looked over at us. We can afford to go drink coffee at what is, for the Chinese, an expensive, perhaps higher-class, establishment.

Smoking is socially acceptable in China, and a teacher related a story of how one of his rich students noticed the brand he was smoking and made a suggestion. No, not to quit. Why the hell would you do that? Chinese cigarettes have no warning labels, unlike those vile Western smokes.

He suggested that the teacher smoke a brand that reflects his income, his social status. China has the highest number of smokers in the world, and a pack of cigarettes can cost anywhere from 5 RMB to 70 RMB. People who can afford the 70 RMB pack buy it and display it prominently to others or use it as an offering when meeting others. Men, of course. They associate women who smoke with prostitution.

Lian is also face, but in the realm of your moral character. It reflects how moral society views you. This can mean different things, but let’s concentrate on traditional Chinese women, as they’re the ones I’ve had experience with.

One teacher remarked that a woman’s purpose in traditional China is babymaking and housecleaning. Not quite. He forgot obedience. To the husband and his family.

One girl told me she must remain a virgin until marriage. When I asked what might happen if she did not, she said that her family would not speak to her for many years and any future husbands would not treat her well.

Right or wrong, it is related to lian — how society views her moral character. A breach of their expectations would be a serious hit in face not only to her but her family as well. Talk about pressure. Lian.

Both connect to guanxi, a type of social relationship between two people that can transcend social status. You can call upon someone for a favor or be expected to do a favor for them, that is, consider them in your future plans and make sure they aren’t hurt by your actions.

Mianzi is of particular interest to the foreign teacher because it can lead to your Chinese colleagues engaging in “face-giving.” In other words, flattering you in front of others in order to give you “face,” even if it’s a complete lie told to give you face, which in their eyes may not be a “lie” at all. Get it? Me neither, but I try.

However, it’s not always a lie. A female Chinese teacher will tell a foreigner that he looks handsome today. It could very well be true. The laowai certainly thinks so, especially if said teacher is rather cute.

But then he overhears her saying the same thing to the 100-pound-overweight chain smoker with rotten teeth. That’s about when the honeymoon phase ends.

“It’s because they care.”

Handy tip: poking someone you just met in the stomach and asking them if they’re pregnant probably isn’t the best way to start a friendship.

Unless they’re pregnant.

I met June and a couple of students on the backstreet for lunch. While I was eating, I felt a sharp jab against my stomach. I look up and a girl asks me, “What is wrong with your belly? Are you pregnant?”

I did not know how to react. In China, it’s normal for people to comment on others’ appearances. Hey, you look fat! OK, thanks for caring.

Keyword: caring. Compassion, if you will. They’ll tell you you’re an obese pig, but it’s only because they care. Don’t believe me? Still seeing this through an American lens? Then consider: In January I helped a guy with his oral English test. Being from the countryside, his English was terrible, and I tried to help him satisfy this silly national requirement as best I could.

I had recently quit smoking and gained a little weight. On his way out, with no warning, he patted my stomach. “You are …” He paused. “I do not know the word.” FAT!

I quietly showed him out. He capped off the whole experience with a most practical solution.

“You need to exercise.”

Xie xie.

— Travis Lee is a UT alumnus. He can be reached at [email protected].