After butchering a fresh litter of puppies, nothing beats a good cigarette.

The trademark of sieg-heiling Odessa agents from all corners of the earth, lighting up a cigarette on a college campus is a way to automatically align yourself with the worst, most undesirable traits of mankind. You are not merely enjoying a personal habit, but rather, you are poisoning the air.

Is that not the goal of every smoker? I cannot speak for my fellow lung-arsonists, but I know when I light up on a frosty morning trek to class, I keep my eyes open for pregnant women, old people, jubilant youngsters and open baby carriages. Whenever I attend a party, I make sure to light up two at once and float around, giving everyone the gift of a nicotine buzz wrapped in cancer care of Satan.

How dare I make your air unhealthy while you’re trying to enjoy Jack and Coke while watching them Vols play? Prepare to move on to the next self-righteous cause, as recent legislation will soon affect the personal choice of millions. A backlash against smoking has erupted throughout the country, with at least ten states having banned smoking in restaurants and bars, citing the health concerns of second-hand smoke.

Good. At bars, health is my primary concern when I’m taking shots.

The anti-smoking movement uses vocabulary such as “epidemic” that faults the tobacco companies for the personal choice of their consumers. “The smoking epidemic kills 500,000 people a year” points the finger at the tobacco companies, whereas “500,000 people a year die due to their own idiotic decisions” is not quite as crowd-pleasing.

However, unlike the softened blow of the first sentence, the second one delivers the truth. Pass however many bans you want. If someone is going to smoke despite the huge warning on the side of every pack, despite the negative health benefits which were first reported in 1858 and — thanks to government public service announcements — are ingrained into anyone born after 1980, is any type of smoking ban going to help them? And if your aim is to help non-smokers, then you are helping yourselves.

So your cause is purely selfish, in which case you should admit it and stop blaming tobacco companies and smokers for the world’s ills. In the end, all that concerns Truth.org, the American Legacy Foundation, and other such groups is a world free from annoyances, a society tailored to suit them and no one else.

Recently, Smoke Free Movies, a group at the University of California-San Francisco, were upset that the movie “Hairspray” received a “PG” rating instead of an “R” rating. What vile content incurred their wrath? Smoking, of course. Because one character smoked in the movie, it deserved an “R” rating, making it more difficult to be seen by children who will presumably light up simply because a movie character does. They issue five demands in their newsletter, the fifth one stating that the “R” rating will protect children from the tobacco industry.

Far be it for me to disagree with the moral minority, but teenagers (not “children,” those precious little shields you hide behind) have smoked and will continue to smoke without any alleged influence from the hellfire club’s inner circle, consisting of the tobacco companies and Hollywood movie producers.

Add in to this the fact that characters in movies drink alcohol. Does every one of those movies deserve an “R” rating, too? If people are gullible enough to smoke a cigarette because an imaginary person does so, wouldn’t the same rule then apply to alcohol? How about drug usage? Should the movie “Ray” be banned because it depicts the main character shooting heroin?

Before outright bans, in 2000 many states received an out-of-court settlement totaling in the billions while cigarettes continued to remain available. Deadly? Yes. Available? Yes. Taxed?

Yes.

Rest assured, your government is looking out for your best interests.

The Volunteer State has recently fallen in line and joined the forces of good, as the Tennessee General Assembly passed a smoking ban in public places that will go into effect Oct. 1. The University of Tennessee is also displaying its godly roots. Soon, we will be unable to use Dining Dollars to purchase cigarettes on campus. Since jogging to a nearby gas station is out of the question for any habitual smoker, they will have no choice but to turn to sanctioned addictions.

Drink a coke. Drink an energy drink. Mix an energy drink and a coke together. Drink some beer, too, but as the commercials say, drink responsibly.

But drink plenty, for that is the underlying message present in their commercials. Chug-chug-chug, develop a bad liver, beat your wife and kids, pick fights with total strangers, vandalize property, and spend time in jail

But don’t jump behind the wheel. Don’t you dare.

And don’t light up a cigarette either, although they continue to be sold at most major stores and gas stations. I know it kills 500,000 people a year, but statistics don’t matter.

There is profit to be made. If thousands of people have to die, fine, just so long as they can’t do it in certain areas.

— Travis Lee is a senior in French. He can be reached at [email protected].