Part of my duty as a columnist is to keep my fellow students abreast of the pressing issues of our day.
Today, I will explore in depth an issue that has touched many of us. Very few dare speak of it despite its high frequency in buildings across America, despite its very real nature, its very real threat to our way of life, the danger it poses to our unity as one people, one nation, one America, one world. United we live, divided we die, comrades, and I, for one, will no longer keep silent on the grave serpent tightening its coils around our fractured souls.
Elevator Rage — the true threat.
Where does elevator rage come from? Good question. It doesn’t appear out of the blue, out of the dark blue, or even out of the navy blue. Elevator rage arrives via the American social expectation of hard work mixed with a dose of pent-up anger.
In this country, a certain stigma follows people deemed as “lazy.” Hard workers earn all the respect. Do all the work, or appear that you’ve done all the work, then accolades come soaring your way. Do none of the work, but still try to grab some kudos and see how far you get before you crash and burn.
For evidence, look no further than any group project you’ve done in college. Why else does peer-reviewing exist? What happens to the slob who does nothing and expects credit? He receives little to none, and other members of the group hate him. Rightfully so? In accordance with our society, yes.
Elevator Rage — exorcising all demons.
Furthermore, people have a lot of issues to deal with in their lives, and not all of them can do it effectively. Some people bottle the anger inside. You know who I mean — the man who starts kicking the vending machine after it eats his last dollar bill. The people for whom “Free Hugs” was created.
A typical week begins with their significant other’s infidelity revealed, rolls into a professor whipping out an unannounced midterm, dives into an overdrawn bank account and no food, leaps onto a red light camera, which nets them a $60 ticket, and finishes with a trip to the elevator where someone pushes the “2nd Floor” button, at which point, they finally express themselves.
“Only one floor? I hope you choke and die!”
The others either nod in consent or remain silent, forgetting that all that is required for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
When questioned about their behavior, they invariably answer that it is not “normal” or “right” to take the elevator up only one floor. An absolutely ridiculous answer.
If elevators were not meant to be taken up one floor, then that option would not exist in the first place.
Who are you to whine about someone using the elevator for one of its designated functions? It makes no sense. Cry to the elevator manufacturer; leave the innocent passenger alone. By the way, have you considered the possibility that some of these people suffer from climacophobia? I’d say not. Please try to be more sensitive.
Until the elevator maker removes the option to go up from 1 to 2 you have no right to complain. And even then, you would still whine, only then it would be about three floors, four floors, five, six, all the way until you transferred your petty anger from elevators to another insipid aspect of daily life.
What to do about this elevator rage? Fortunately for humanity, one of the benefits of being a columnist is a keen foresight and a wisdom far beyond my years.
Listen to me children — I am your Miyagi.
To stymie the tide of unchecked elevator rage threatening our way of life, I propose mandatory group hugs on the elevator.
Each time more than one person boards an elevator, they will be required to hug each other for the duration of their trip. My theory is that you will be less apt to scream at someone if they’ve been touching you in a tender way.
That might not work, so here’s a more practical solution: Eliminate all elevators and force everyone to take the stairs. Why do you think the stairs exist in the first place? To look pretty? Hell no. Use them! And please, don’t even think about mentioning escalators, the ultimate symbol of laziness. I am instantly suspicious of anyone who takes the escalator when there is a perfectly good set of stairs, standing off to the side, sad, lonely.
Neglected.
It wants to be used. Be polite, and give it what it wants. Stairs don’t ask for much. Merely your steps, dear friends, merely your steps.
— Travis Lee is a senior in French. He can be reached at [email protected].
