As a professionally certified dating expert (read: I have successfully used the Tinder), I have felt inspired to offer my divinely given wisdom in a column series this semester entitled “Chiefly Speaking: Romance Edition.”
This creative title is dedicated to (read: stolen from) my highly intelligent and respectable predecessor R.J. Vogt. Last year under the ‘Chiefly Speaking’ moniker, R.J. brought a critical and thoughtful analysis to a variety of issues, from SGA voting to why UT should have Sex Week. It is my greatest hope I will offer this same level of analysis to far more serious topics, like “Perfecting the first Tinder message” and “How Sims is like practice dating.” Clearly, these are the truly groundbreaking and culturally relevant topics which will provoke discussion within the student body.
So, how do you create the perfect Tinder message? My settings allow me only to receive messages from men, so I will speak from that realm of experience (with real life examples). A man’s first Tinder message says a lot. They range from the poetic (“Roses are red, violets are blue, let’s get a drink or two”) to the straightforward (“send pics”). They tend to escalate quickly — a “How are you?” can turn into “What are you wearing?” in seconds. The fate of your Tinder endeavor lies in these first messages, so it’s crucial to respond carefully, whether you are sending the first message or answering one.
Therefore, I have developed some rules to help you navigate the confusing love game that is Tinder — these can also apply to other online dating services, as well as day-to-day flirt-texting.
1. Before you can start wooing, you have to get a match. My suggestion is to swipe right on everyone so you can give yourself the highest possible chance of mutual attraction based on a single picture. Don’t use any discretion. Shirtless bathroom selfie? Swipe right. Holding a deadly weapon and not in a uniform? Right. Sporting a Bama jersey? Okay– maybe not that one.
2. Always use lowercase letters. This will reflect how cool, casual and not-at-all-obsessed-with-you-I-swear you are to your prospective Tinderella or fella. Also, spell words wrong. Chicks dig that.
3. Lead with the least subtle pickup line you can think of (for ideas, check out this blog). I’m not talking about the sentimental, “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” That never works. You want to be as sexually explicit as possible, because this conveys your intentions up front. And hey, if they unmatch you, they weren’t worth your time. #ONTOTHENEXTONE
4. Invite your potential mate to a private, intimate space with no preface or explanation. Your bedroom at your parents’ house and your shower are recommended locations. Reassure them you will be completely alone together for maximum togetherness and bonding. If they say yes and ask for your address, well, you might have bigger things to worry about.
5. Most importantly — don’t EVER give up. If at first you receive no response, keep sending persistent messages over the course of several days. Make sure you are obsessively checking when they were last active online so you know if they are intentionally ignoring you or not — then go back and send some more messages. And if they blow you off, you know within a mile radius where they live.
Claire Dodson is a senior in English and Editor-in-Chief of The Daily Beacon. She’d love to hear your Tinder success stories, as well as any other questions and comments you might have. Talk to your doctor before adjusting your online dating practices. You can reach her at [email protected] or on Twitter at @Claire_fying.
