I don’t even know where to begin. The big orange beacon has been lit and toolbags far and wide have answered the call — five of them in fact.

The hallways of the Honors Lounge are empty. Student Alumni Associates’ cakes go undelivered. “Star Trek” conventions notice a drop in attendance.

Why the mass hysteria? Why do meaningless events on campus go unexecuted? Why do frat daddies and sorority girls walk with a different sense of purpose this week? Why do the Scarabs forsake their weekly male lovemaking? There is only one answer.

Student Government elections.

I get a little smile across my face when I say it. It’s the same feeling I get when I think about Olestra, FOX News or any other worthless contribution to society. Let’s go ahead and get names out of the way. I only get about 800 words here, and this week there is so much ground to cover. Ross Smith, Jeremy Durham, John Bandeian, Curtis Sanderfer and Eric “I’m a freakin’ badass and don’t need a running mate” Harkness are fighting for the top spot in the land — Dean of Students’ Buttkisser.

Now in the common tongue we refer to the position as SGA president. For those of you that are new to campus or have the ownership of a brain, let me cue you in on a few important things. Actually, it’s only one thing. Student government is absolutely worthless.

Don’t take me literally. I’m sure we could slice up current head tool Chaz Moulder and get a couple grand for his kidneys on the black market; vice tool and all-around nice girl Rachel Clement would land at least three fifty. But this university openly spends around $50,000 to support playtime for nerds and Greeks on campus. This includes a few meetings, a lot of free cookies and I’m sure the murder of kittens or some other heinous act.

How does this continue? Why do people still think student government works? Well, I will give you the answer: Satan. He probably tried to start an SGA in heaven before the whole banishment thing.

So what about elections? You’ve got all these overly enthusiastic dorks handing out free stuff, so you’d feel bad not voting for someone, right? I would tell you to vote for someone cool like Stanley Asumnu, but I’d hate to taint him or his dunking prowess.

So it’s time to review the candidates.

Team OneTenn: Ross and I were actually orientation leaders together a few years ago along with Sanderfer, so I can assure you he is at the ultimate level of tooliness. I don’t really know his partner Rachel Frey, but isn’t it great that their names are Ross and Rachel. WOW. I wonder if Frey will get pissed when they’re “on a break” and Rachel sleeps with a skanky bartender. Also I can only imagine how they came up with this ultra-original party name.

ROSS: I want a party name that tells the Greeks I’m going to give 110 percent and unite everyone together just like we did in rush.

RACHEL: You mean a name that tells the students, right?

ROSS: Students? Oh, you mean non-Greeks. Sure, whatever.

Team Tennessee’s Tomorrow: Lil’ Jeremy wants to lower textbook prices. He even has a Web site to help. That’s cute … really. I suppose this is the best I should expect out of a Pong and a Tri-Delt, his running mate Cassie Levy. If elected, expect Durham to halt all construction on campus, get students better seating in Thompson-Boling Arena and probably even cut tuition in half. I bet President John Petersen is hiding in his office right now. Wait a minute … was that too delusional? I think so.

Team Oldschool: I’m sorry … who? If they were looking for party names from movies featuring Vince Vaughn, I think “Psycho” would have been a better choice. I like John, but that about sums up this group’s chances of winning. Sorry, guys.

Team Impact: It’s a small world really. For about two months in the summer of 2003, it was job of one Curtis Sanderfer to wake me up every morning before beginning our orientation duties. I actually met his running mate, Megan Welch, by wandering drunk into her room, waking her in the middle of the night on the Zeta floor in Greve Hall. I was trying to prevent a friend from hooking up with one of her sorority sisters and picked the wrong room. She handled it well, and now I always wave when I’m my state-dictated 40-50 feet away.

Does punctuality and working knowledge of the state’s sexual harassment laws translate into effective leadership? I don’t know, but I’d bet they’d make an impact.

Sorry, I had to go there. The door was just too open.

Team Harkness: I use the term “team” loosely here, since Eric is running alone. Young Harkness and I have a bit of a history. (Please read: http://dailybeacon.utk.edu/showarticleold.php?id=14355). I’ve made fun of Eric a lot in the past, and I see now that my evil ways have driven him to madness, thinking he can tackle the entire student government issue alone. So to help bring this lost youth back to society I have decide to head up the Harkness/LaFollette ticket for the coming elections.

That’s right. I’ve decided to join Eric as his running mate. I figured it was the least I could do. Feel free to visit see our platform and campaign photos at http://web.utk.edu/~glafolle/imwithstupid.html.

So for the rest of you toolbags out there … watch out. Whether you be fratboy, Scarab or just an average Joe, Eric and G are coming for ye.

Isn’t rhyming clever? Enjoy all the free stuff.

Happy April Fool’s.

— Glenn LaFollette is a super-senior in journalism and electronic media. He can be reached at [email protected].