Life isn’t easy as a celebrity. It’s tough … really. I get no privacy. Just the other day I tried going to a new bar to get some space, but even my roommate heard about it before the night was over.
GRANT: So I heard you went to Taproom?
ME: Yeah, I wanted to try something new.
GRANT: And by “new” you mean freshman girls?
ME: Shut up. I had a good time. I knew the bouncer.
GRANT: Oh really? That’s not what I heard. Someone called to ask if you were OK.
ME: Why? I didn’t drink that much.
GRANT: No, they heard Daniel Brooks mistook you for Kappa Sig and beat the crap out of you. Oh, and then he got in a fight with some nuns, but they were edgy from the whole death of the Pope thing, and kicked his ass.
These days it seems everyone knows what I’m doing before it even happens. But, as I’m sad to say, I’ve been keeping something important from my friends and readers. I’m ashamed really. However for this particular secret, I had no other option but to sizzle my pants anytime the issue came up. I don’t really know how to say this, so let’s just get it out there.
I’m a Scarab.
My comrades will be embarrassed and angry of my coming out, but it has to be done. I just can’t carry this burden anymore. If you’re not cool and “in the know,” the Scarabbean Senior Society was formed back in early 19-something as a student honor society. They gave awards, held meetings … basic involved student bullcrap.
Then sometime back in the late-’70s/ early ’80s some pair of genius administrators held the following conversation that led to a sensation of dedication and cause for celebration all across the Big Orange nation. (NOTE: Retarded ideas should be written and described in a way as to most display the ignorance of such plan or idea.)
TOOL UNO: Tim, I was thinking … we Scarabs do a lot for the community, but I really think we’re getting too much credit and power for our own good. We’re just so awesome, I don’t think this feeble little area can handle our greatness anymore.
TOOL DOS: Well, Jerry, I have to say I agree with you 110 percent. But what’s to be done?
TOOL UNO: How about we form a “secret” society? We’ll go underground, give awards, hold secret meetings … basic involved student bullcrap.
TOOL DOS: I have to say, Jerry … that’s just delightful. No one will know of our plans, and we can hand-pick the best, brightest and most tooliest of students for our organization.
TOOL UNO: Yes, we will be a guiding, secret of course, force in the community. No one can stop us. And we’ll have as much male lovemaking as we want.
TOOL DOS: Twice a day if we’re lucky.
So on that hallowed day a select group of administrators and students sank beneath the public eye to return this campus to greatness. And I must say, we’re doing a pretty damn good job.
In the past five years of Scarab rule, this university has had five different system presidents. Hell, that’s more than any other Southeastern Conference institution. Take that, Florida!
Oh, and we don’t just look at academics. We’re not just nerds. We’re nerds that love sports, too. Peyton Manning: Scarab. Jason Witten: Scarab. Brandon Crump: Not a Scarab, just a pathetic waste of height.
So, you may ask … is it fun being a Scarab? To that, I can easily respond: yes. It’s flipping awesome. Now we’re not like those secret societies you see in movies such as “The Skulls.” For one, we’d never pick Pacey. We’d get freaking Dawson. Yeah, we’re that cool.
Our reign of carnage extends to selecting student body presidents, developing changes in the university ambassador program and spray-painting power-Ts all over campus and Fort Sanders. We like to paint. It makes us feel pretty.
We have people in every major campus organization. It’s our finger that glazes every Student Alumni Associate cake and our butt that sits idle and worthless at every student government meeting. One of our top nerds even found the cure for cancer, but are we giving it out? Hell no. We make thousands from Dance Marathon every year. (Cue evil laugh.)
After years of listening to the stereotypes, it amazes me what people think we do. Like the rumor that we “tap” potential members in the library, asking them “Are you ready?” Actually, potential Scabs, as the young ones are called, receive as visit from our great and wise leader, the Worthy Osiris (ancient Egyptian for “tool”), down at Old College Inn for a burger and a Natty Light. My experience went well.
ME: So Nick, what do you want?
WORTHY O: Glenn, I tell you … we want you bad. We need a man like you. Tri-Delts are getting out of hand, and well, I have to say something needs to be done.
ME: But what could I do? I mean I’m just a lowly, brilliant, handsome columnist for The Beacon. I mean I’m great in the sack and I’m a little funny, but otherwise what good could I do?
WORTHY O: Well, if you come over to the dark side, I’ll make damn sure our master lets you write anything you want. Heck, you can even make fun of David Keith. We even let him in. What do you say?
ME: Can I rip on people from Farragut? Oh, how about housing nerds?
WORTHY: Um, I guess we’ll just have to talk about it.
So here I am. Scarab to the core. If you don’t believe me, here’s a pic of my membership card. (http://web.utk.edu/~glafolle/sss.html) We get really fancy with creeds and such.
Just remember, Scarabs are all around you. If I can get in, anyone can get in. So don’t piss us off. You may wake up with a power-T spray painted on your car or even worse … we may not let you in.
Damn, we’re cool.
— Glenn LaFollette is super-senior in journalism and electronic media. He can be reached at [email protected].
