Thankfully we live in an age of Google, a time in which, instead of calling my mom for advice about fruit, I can type into Google search, “how to know when a kiwi is ripe.” A few days ago, I did just that. I started typing but then stopped abruptly. Google was doing the thing where it shows the most popular completions of the search phrase you’ve typed in, and here’s what came up when I had typed “how to know when…”: “when you are ovulating; when to end a relationship; when a relationship is over; when you’re in love; when a guy likes you; when a girl likes you; when your marriage is over; when to break up; when your (sic) pregnant; when someone is lying.” All I wanted was a kiwi, and I found myself in the middle of someone else’s therapy session, and I still didn’t know how to tell whether my kiwi was ripe.

Those search results were interesting and slightly worrisome, especially in light of the approaching holiday. For better or worse, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, which means candy for everyone and a combination of stress, bitterness and awkward situations and conversations for quite a few. To dial down the tension you may be feeling over the next few days, I had my friends help me compile a list of best (and worst) pick-up lines. Some of these are real, and some I think I may have found on the inside of candy wrappers.

1. Classics — a few lines you can never go wrong with (or pickup lines that were popular in middle school):

• Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got “fine” written all over you.

• Girl, are you tired? You’ve been running around my head all day.

• Are you a library book? ‘Cause I am definitely checking you out.

• Did it hurt when you fell? From heaven?

• You must be an astronaut because you’re out of this world.

2. Interactive/mixed media — these demand a bit more involvement to be effective but are well worth the effort:

• Begin standing or sitting side by side with the person. Ask, “Do you like your parrot on this shoulder,” pointing to the person’s shoulder nearest you, “or this shoulder,” pointing to shoulder farthest from you, ending with arm around other person.

• Along similar lines, begin standing or sitting side by side with the person, and say, “Let’s count shoulders.” Begin with your own shoulder, farthest from the person, as “one,” your shoulder closest to the other person as “two,” and then proceed to other person’s shoulders, again ending with arm around the other person.

• Standing near the object of your affection, lean down and appear to pick up something from the ground. Straighten up and offer a packet of sugar to the other person, saying, “You must have dropped your name tag.”

• This one is only for the brave of heart: A friend of mine once went up to a girl he’d had a crush on for awhile but had never been introduced to and started singing the lyrics of The Doors’ song, “Hello, I Love You.” The key lines are, “Hello, I love you, won’t you tell me your name?” By the time they reached the library, he had a date with the girl for the following week.

3. Unfortunate results of a tech-savvy generation: These aren’t so much suggestions as lines to avoid using.

• Recently one of my friends, after making polite small-talk with a guy in an elevator, was asked, “So are you on Facebook?” Not a good line, guys.

• Another friend got an interesting variation on this from a guy in her class: “Do you tweet?” I guess the guy gets points for using the correct conjugation of the verb form of “Twitter,” but really…

If all of these fail, there’s always the perfect fallback for us Volunteers: “Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cause you’re the only 10 I see.”

Enjoy all the candy this weekend everyone.

— Leigh Dickey is a junior in global studies. She can be reached at [email protected].