Kroger has an alternative to apathetic, underpaid cashiers, known as U-Scan. U-Scan is another way of saying “You-Scan,” which is itself another way of eliciting complaints from techno-deficient customers:

Old Guy: You know how to work that U-Scan?

Me: Yes. I can also spell my name. The two sort of go hand-in-hand.

Old Guy: You can put a man on the moon easier than you can work that thing.

You have to be at least 18 to work “that thing,” and as I strolled up to it, I saw that the woman supervising it more than tripled the age requirement. Good for her. Overachievers are such a rarity these days.

The experience begins. The automated voice asks me if I have my discount card.

My Kroger Card. People shopping at Kroger could use a Kroger Card to “save money” (i.e. Buy more items than usual under the impression that by doing so they are saving money). Every grocery store has a card, so Kroger is not unique in this regard. To set Kroger apart from the competition, with each receipt cashiers were now required to circle how much money customers saved with their Kroger cards, be it a stunning $1.20 or a measly 17 cents. This foolproof strategy cracked for items for which there was no Kroger-card discount.

Cashier: Here’s how much you — (notices nothing was on sale) um…

Customer: Yes?

Cashier: Here’s your receipt.

For some customers, this strategy backfired:

Cashier: Did you bring your Kroger card?

Customer: Ugh, I don’t need a card at Wal-Mart.

And if certain activist groups speak the truth, you don’t need a soul either.

I finished paying, and as I was leaving Kroger, the automated voice said, “Thank you for shopping with us.”

With us. Some of you may be aware that it used to say “Thank you for shopping at Kroger.” Personally, I prefer the new wording. I am happy that they are right there beside me as I shop, helping me load groceries into my cart, spotting deals that otherwise would have gone unnoticed, and coming back home and sharing some wine in front of the fireplace while we discuss where we will send the children to college.

I am also glad they believe no one will see through this new wording. “With us” brings forth the meaning that grocery store and customer are together as one, or side-by-side. It gives you the idea that they care about you.

They don’t. It’s a business.

I worked at Kroger for two years. I will never again work there. If you wonder why, then consider the following story which occurred in early July:

Dispatched by the family to Wal-Mart, their instructions were simple: Come back with the right groceries or don’t come back at all. The point their words failed to get across, their shotgun succeeded in delivering. It succeeded quite well.

Lexington, Tenn., holds other grocery stores, but with Wal-Mart, what could they possibly hold for me? I want the Rollback prices and friendly courteous staff of well-paid, well-balanced and well-tuned employees. I want the convenience of having every store crammed into one, and I want to see the look on the little girl’s face when the local business store owner tells her Sam Walton is the Grinch who stole her Christmas. I want a store that bans CDs with explicit lyrics yet sells guns, cigarettes and alcohol.

In short, I love Wal-Mart.

Before leaving, my sister reminded me to pick up some coleslaw. A choice between eating a rabid raccoon’s rotten rectum and coleslaw would not be much of a choice, but I toughened up and found my way to the Deli. My phone buzzed. A new text message from my sister.

Don’t forget the coleslaw.

Thanks Sis, this early onset Alzheimer’s wrecks havoc on my short-term memory.

I asked for some coleslaw and the woman filled up the plastic bowl. Beside me, a customer stirs.

Customer: What are you doing?

Worker: I’m just getting his coleslaw.

Customer: Well, (blows raspberry) I was here first. (stomps away)

Don’t let his behavior fool you. His appearance matched that of a grown man.

— Travis Lee is a senior in French. He can be reached at [email protected].