Marriage is not necessary for life. Nor is it a holy union of love between two people, regardless of how much money you spend declaring your love.

Society is full of superstitious rituals and outright myths concerning marriage. Today, let’s kill two of those myths.

Ready?

Myth # 1 — Marriage is a sacred institute ordained by God.

No. On a macro level, marriage is not a sacred institute because the forms of marriage vary across the board. Which form of marriage is best? Polygamous? Monogamous? Monogamous marriage is popular in this country while polygamy remains the most common form of marriage in the world.

Polygamy is the best bet for children. Don’t like Mommy? Go live with your other one. Don’t like her? Go to the next. Children should have options. None of this “honor thy mother and thy father” nonsense; honor the one who buys you the most toys.

Like you honor the man who buys you the most expensive ring. Again, marriage is not sacred. It is an exclusive contract for sex. You sign a contract to have sex with one other person or a set number of people, and violating this contract results in a divorce. Women hold the advantage in divorce settlements, especially if they claim abuse. They say it. It must be true. We all know how ridiculous the idea of a woman lying to vindicate herself is. Day dreamers, wake up from your snooze and return to planet Earth.

A marriage’s sanctity exists solely on a micro level. On an individual basis. It is up for each couple to decide what makes their marriage sacred and then follow it. No institution can set forth sets of rules for determining sanctity. When they do, they use these rules to enforce rigid regulations upon a society that evolved beyond them years ago, too mired in their superstitions and traditions to catch up, too stubborn to roll over and die.

Too cruel to do us such a favor.

People say polygamy is wrong. How do they know? Is there some type of standardized test for determining whether or not a marriage is good enough to be a true marriage? The same people who condemn polygamy look the other way from spousal abuse.

You’d think they’d love polygamy — an opportunity to emotionally manipulate and abuse multiple women at once! What else but polygamy grants you this opportunity?

They just aren’t up to the challenge. Their knuckles must get sore after awhile.

Your God says one form of marriage is great. Their God says another is OK. One is wrong, the other is right, and whoever is wrong is heading for punishment. My marriage is sacred because it adheres to arbitrary tenants set down by my invisible deity.

Religion: “Reality Sold Separately.”

Myth # 2 — Marry to avoid dying alone.

Relationships do not prevent you from dying alone. Plane crashes do. Bombings do the trick. Rituals and customs? The baton’s a little too heavy for them.

It drives people to get married when they otherwise shouldn’t. I understand that your pathetic infatuation puts a smile on your face, but perhaps you should give it a little longer than a month before you’re speaking of marriage. Conversation about the big diamond you’re getting or how deep your love runs transforms into bitter accusations of infidelity so easily, and the shaky foundations upon which you build this relationship begin crumbling the moment you say “I do.”

The change is drastic. One second your fangs are sunk in, sucking them dry of self-esteem. The next second you’re in court, sucking them dry of money.

True love might not wait until marriage, but perhaps marriage should wait until true love.

Perhaps, but I’m grabbing a $20,000 ring just in case. Perhaps it’ll work. Perhaps we’re both for sale, my love and hers.

Not a shred of dignity to be found between us. Your credit card’s approved.

You may kiss the bride.

— Travis Lee is a senior in French. He can be reached at [email protected].