So here we are again, rounding another base or sliding into, perhaps even tripping over, the home plate of our college careers. It’s a sad time for seniors, graduate students and other students who have decided to hit the ol’ dusty trail for one reason or another, but for everyone else, this is a time for reflection on what we’ve learned the past year or three.
Of course, I know what you’re thinking: “Oh Chris, what shall I do with the remainder of my pathetic existence at the university? College life is so unbearably torturous; how can I learn from my former mistakes with such a feeble mind? Please, guide me with your vast knowledge, skill, experience and incredible good looks and teach me to learn the error of my ways! And in return, you shall receive the gratitude of positively shaping my future as well as a brand new, V-6, aluminum XJ Jaguar.”
Well, if I must (but only with an extra cup-holder):
1. Grades simply measure how well you procrastinate. Over the years, academic performance has been measured in many ways. Our ancient ancestors measured their academic performance by clubbings to the face — the more you got, the better you did. In the Middle Ages, performance was measured by how many times the teacher with black lesions spit on you. In those days, an F was short for fatality (A for abscess). Nowadays, academic performance is measured mostly by how well we can perform after waiting until the last minute to study or staying up all night before a midterm or final; thus the secret to good grades is really economic: How much can you pay for Adderall?
2. Everybody loves Bruce Pearl. As I’ve said before, I’ve never been the athletic type. Nevertheless, I can officially say that any man who is not afraid to bare his own hairy, bright orange-colored chest to the world is a hero of mine.
3. That said, streaking does not live up to its hype. Just let it go.
4. Sex is never quiet in a bunk bed. It seems that bunk beds have become the norm for dorm rooms, especially in double rooms or suites. Yet, despite the extra space they allow, is having your bed bunked really worth it? Consider that if your roommate happens to go to a party or a bar, happens to meet that special man/woman (or both), happens to bring him, her or them back to the dorm room and happens to decide, usually against his or her better judgment, that it’s baby-making time, you will never drown out the squeaking of a bunk bed. Yet, in the same scenario, without bunk beds, it may be possible to suppress the quick breath and sheet shuffling. Sure, you may still be scarred for life, but at least you’ll get a good night’s rest beforehand.
5. The Entertainment beat is awesome to the max. (Yes Sports, that just happened!)
6. The walk-up window at Krystal will always be a waste of time and is never worth catching pneumonia. I have recently visited “the window” with a friend pulling an all-nighter, and I have only one suggestion: The fourth meal at Taco Bell is where it’s at.
7. Perhaps the most valuable college investment is a couch. Almost every couch can double as an extra bed or table or both. A couch will protect you from drunken brawls with your roommate, and when no one else will listen, the ants, cockroaches and termites will.
You really can do anything on a couch. And as the year ends, people will sell their old couches, so get them while you can!
8. Take my word for it — sandwich spread is not a good mixer for whiskey (but I can’t say the same for other spirits).
9. For freshmen, the first year is all about understanding your work load. Next year, try to find a balance between vomiting from too much caffeine and vomiting from too many beers. Don’t worry, you still have a few more years before your mistakes come back to mangle your life.
10. Earplugs might stifle parties or your roommate’s sexual activities, but absolutely nothing will silence the Shelbourne garbage truck at 5:45 a.m.
11. The only tried-and-true way to make sure a homeless person wants money for food, and not for liquor instead, is to give them a protein bar. A box is only $5, and you’ll get most of them back.
12. Laundry must be done, unless you stock up on free T-shirts during SGA campaigns and hit the summer underwear sales.
13. You still have to go to classes, even if they’re on the Ag Campus.
14. Gentlemen, enjoy the ladies while you can because soon they will meet another kind of man, much better than yourself. These men are called musicians.
15. Just because pedestrians have the right-of-way doesn’t mean that you can walk in front of the T-buses and live through it.
16. Everyone trips on the treadmills at T-RECS, so go ahead and laugh it up — you’re next.
17. It’s called the Big Orange Screw for a reason, so use protection. Register on time, go to classes (at least half) and pass.
18. No, it’s not normal to talk on the phone at the urinal. Casual conversation from stall to stall, however, is okay, but keep it light; the pressure is already bad enough.
19. Roasting marshmallows on the Torchbearer is fun, easy and might even get you arrested, if you’re drunk — a complete college experience.
20. And finally, you’re in college, so care about something. The only thing not tolerated here is indifference.
