As some of you who paid attention in your high school literature class may know, Dante’s “Inferno” follows the journey of Dante himself as he travels through the nine rings of hell to Paradiso, or Heaven. Throughout his journey, he sees those that have been thrown into hell for committing a variety of religious sins, with progressively more serious punishments.
As a sort of modern take on Dante’s “Inferno,” I have taken the liberty of outlining six particular sins as seen from the eyes of a 21st century science student, as well as the punishments they entail.
We can at least pretend there’s some sense of justice in the world.
Ring 1: The Sharpie Stealers
Sharpies may be the single most crucial piece of lab equipment, consistent across all projects I’ve ever completed. Beakers of chemicals, vials of samples, Ziploc bags of soil collected in the field… All of these things must be identified in a permanent manner. So imagine the horror one feels while reaching into the drawer that should hold a selection of Sharpies, cradling some kind of very important sample in the other hand, only to find that the Sharpie is gone. The world, and that feat of science, must be put on hold until the Sharpie is found and the offending Sharpie-mover has been chastised. Committers of this sin must sort through unlabeled samples and chemicals for an eternity.
Ring 2: The Plagiarizers
When writing scientific papers in groups, there’s always that one group member who is lax in citing sources. Citing Wikipedia in an academic paper is one thing, but using Wikipedia as a source and then citing nothing is an even worse crime. The punishment for this colossal mass of plagiarizing sinners is to find the sources for an encyclopedia set full of facts that have not been cited correctly.
Ring 3: The Complainers
Yes, I know it’s hot outside and you’re mildly uncomfortable, but this class has a field lab component and you knew that when you signed up. Buckle down, get the job finished and we will be out of here soon. The complainers will be punished by having all of the discomforts about which they complain magnified exponentially.
Ring 4: The Back-Row Dissenters
Those that sit in the back row of a classroom and love to play the “What-if…?” game and question every theory or concept that the professor puts forth will be punished for wasting everyone’s time by spending an eternity playing ’20 Questions’ with a 4-year-old.
Rings 5 and 6: The Library Talkers and the Hypocrites
I originally wished to punish those groups of students that meet on the silent floor of the library for the express purpose of squealing and giggling in a very non-silent fashion, but I realized that I myself am guilty of committing this sin on occasion. So, while the library talkers will be forced to listen to an eternal soundtrack of squealing, giggling girls flirting with rather dense boys, the hypocrites must be punished too. Hypocrites in the 6th ring of the Inferno are forced to wear heavy gold cloaks, symbolizing the flashy yet fraudulent ideals to which they cling, that prevent the sinners from ever making any progress. If that’s good enough for Dante, it sounds good enough to me.
As I’m sure the Pedestrian Walkway preachers have told you, judgment day is coming; the time to repent is nigh. It’s for the good of all mankind.
Kenna Rewcastle is a senior in college scholars. She can be reached at [email protected].
