It’s that time again. It’s time to break out the crazy clothes, face paint and ugly teeth. That’s right – next Wednesday is Halloween, or for some of us, just another Wednesday involving crazy clothes, face paint and ugly teeth. It’s the one day out of the year where it is acceptable to dress up like unusual freaks instead of dressing like the freaks we do all the other 364 days of the year.

Plus, it is the only day out of the year that a crazy costume and a knock on the door guarantees a sackfull of candy. It’s sort of hit-and-miss throughout the rest of the year.

But back to that whole “costume” thing: Somehow, it became tradition to play dress-up on Halloween. Don’t ask me why – the true meaning of October 31 has absolutely nothing to do with any of that stuff. In fact, in days of old, people celebrated Halloween completely naked (now there’s a great costume idea … “Naked Boy!”).

But anyway, since you can’t beat ’em, and since you can’t walk up to a complete stranger’s door wearing no clothes (we can’t, but Naked Boy can!), you might as well join ’em. I’ve been trying to think up of a really cool costume idea for myself. However, there are limited costumes available for tall, skinny guys with long, black hair.

For example, the Crow is an obvious idea, but as much as I love the movie, if I were to dress up like Eric Draven, Avenging Angel, I could expect to see at least three other people all dressed up like myself. And, frankly, I just don’t feel up to the confusion.

And of course, there is always the Son of God, Jesus of Nazareth, who, commercially, is a skinny white guy with long hair. But come on, he was from the Middle East, for Christ’s sake! I nixed the idea simply because I don’t think that many people in these parts would appreciate the portrayal of the Messiah as a man with earrings and tattoos. Plus, I don’t want people to panic (“Oh my God, Jesus has returned! The world is over!”) It would be the perfect irony, though, don’t you think?

So, I decided to start thinking outside the box and come up with an absolutely crazy costume to wear out in public. I’ve sorted through them and I’ve picked out the best and the easiest to do. See what you think.

A cigarette. Remember how your mother told you, “You are what you eat, drink and smoke”? Well, you can prove her right as long as you have a white bed sheet and a permanent marker. Just draw your favorite cigarette brand on the sheet and roll yourself up in it. Presto – instant cigarette costume! Grab yourself about 19 friends and go as a pack. Grab yourself 199 friends and go as a carton. Grab yourself 1,999 friends and go as lung cancer.

A big box of Kleenex. I’m telling you – find yourself an empty refrigerator box, some tin foil and some tissue paper, and you’ll be the one person who can’t get through the door. And it works great for couple parties; just give your significant other a cold. You’ll be the live of the party. That is, until the guy who dressed up as the big, snotty nose shows up.

A cold sore. Disgusting as it may be, I guarantee you that no one will ever forget this costume, hard as they may try. How exactly does one dress up as a cold sore, you might ask? Simple. Just paint yourself completely red and rub cooking oil all over your body. You’ll be the first talking canker sore in the history of the world, much to the dismay of the history of the world.

A crack-head. This one is just too easy to do. The first thing you have to do is lose 100 pounds (you’ve only got until Wednesday, so you better start now). Then, stay awake for five days straight to get the rings underneath your eyes. Next, sell your car for a rock, get fired from your job and alienate all your friends. Now, all you have to do is take about 50 No-Doz in order to create the illusion that you have far to much energy for a person who sits awake all night smoking crack. It might be a good idea to start hearing voices, as well.

Sylvia Plath. How on Earth are you supposed to be Sylvia Plath for Halloween? It couldn’t be easier. If you have an empty box laying around the house, you can cut a door in it, write the word “oven” on the side and stick your head in the door (the joke here may not be as obvious to some as it may to others – look it up).

Whatever you decided to be, for the sake of all things imaginative, don’t be a witch or put a sheet over your head and call yourself a ghost. We’re in college after all, and by now you should know how to create a stellar costume. If not, you’re wasting your money.

– Mike Murphy is planning on being a junior in English for Halloween. He can be reached at [email protected].