Uma Thurman, Gus Van Sant, k.d. lang, Mr. Miage’s Pat Morita, River’s

sister Rain Phoenix,…

A 17th century Russian countess trapped in the body of a 50-something male,

a beautiful model with six-inch thumbs, 70s’ clothing, spas being

overturned by cowgirls, peyote-fed whooping cranes…

Dreamy sequences,lesbians everywhere, a funky, carnival-esque soundtrack,

“the world’s best hitchhiker,” and Ann-Margret – could this film

possibly be boring?

Yep.

is so random, so clueless and so lacking in direction that the

weirdness loses its flair after the first few minutes. It’s simply

weirdness for weirdness’ sake.

, but it isn’t.

Tom Robbins, author of such books as Skinny Legs and All, Still

Life With Woodpecker and Cowgirls, has a literary knack

for hitting the nail on the head with his description and some especially

funky situations.

Yet when it was released last year for preview audiences, Cowgirls

was met with distaste for the abundance of quirk and form. Audiences

couldn’t find a reason to like the film and Robbins’ fans were outraged by

a film adaptation in the first place.

In a recent interview Van Sant explained how he wanted to rework the

film.

“There was a screenplay that had graphic and heavy female romance in there,

but when we started to make it, rather than make it as graphic as the book,

we tried to make it more just an interpretation of those relationships and

suggest them rather than describe them,” Van Sant said.

Big mistake. This movie is so full of interpretation that the viewer leaves

feeling that the film is not an adaptation of a book but a loose and campy

retrospective of some 70s’ chump in film school.

The movie progresses like the main character Sissy, a hardcore drifter who

models on the side. The film picks up from her childhood to present day

(here, 1976) where Sissy has landed a job on a ranch/spa owned by

Ann-Margret through her friend and agent, the Countess [John Hurt], a 17th

century Russian countess trapped in the body of a middle-aged man.

Upon arrival at the ranch, Sissy encounters the Cowgirls, rough and ready

women who run the non-aesthetic operations. Animosity runs high between the

Cowgirls and the slaves-to-beauty guests, and when Sissy becomes quite

partial to the Cowgirls, especially leader Bonanza Jellybean [Rain

Phoenix], she rejects her duty as a model and aids in the takeover of the

ranch by Bonanza Jellybean and Co.

Meanwhile, whooping cranes, a dissipating species of bird that has recently

been disappearing from the area, are fed peyote by the Cowgirls, and the

state of Oregon accuses them of holding the foul hostage.

All of this sounds interesting in print, but the overbearing funk and

underbearing form (Wasn’t Jellybean and Sissy’s relationship supposed to be

the focus of the film?) makes Even Cowgirls Get the Blues only a

film for hardcore Gus Van Sant fans.