The scientists out there say it isn't possible to stop time. They say that

time is an endless river, flowing mercilessly at its own deliberate pace. I

may not be the most learned man in the world, but I am inclined to agree

with them. Time cannot be stopped completely, but it can be slowed to a

crawl at the most inconvenient moments. Such as those occasions when

attention is suddenly drawn towards your person at the most inopportune

instant. For example: Imagine yourself winning an Academy Award. Picture

the adulation of your peers, the excitement of being immortalized in the

acting community. Now imagine that at the very instant the spotlight shines

down on you, you happen to have a finger squarely up your nose in a most

despicable fashion. It is at this moment that time slows down, forcing the

moment of humiliation to last an eternity. Time is a very fickle mistress,

who takes pleasure in speeding up and slowing down at our inconvenience.

Which is one of the reasons that traffic jams are the closest thing to hell

on earth.

There are very few things I would rather be doing on a beautiful summer

day than sitting in an insulated sweat box while creeping down the

interstate at 10 miles per hour. I wake up every day praying that I will

get stuck in an endless line of cars, moving gradually slower, towards a

destination that I don't really want to go. Is there anything better than

that? The only thing that comes close would be a shot in the head from a

.44 Magnum, but even then it's a judgment call. I guess it's just fortunate

for me that every single traffic artery in this town is currently under

construction. Now I get to experience the rapture of traffic jams every

single day of the week for the rest of my life. I think I'll get my gun

now.

Once again, our good friends at the Tennessee Department of Transportation

have decided to wage war on the motorists of our fair city. They have

strategically targeted key thoroughfares throughout the city to insure that

no matter where you want to go you will get there late. Take any interstate

in any direction and you will be stopped at least once. The rest of the

time you will be moving very slowly and cursing very loudly. You will be

forced to go especially slow through the construction zones. For those of

you who don't know, those are the areas with all the orange barrels and

people standing around doing nothing. And as an added bonus, those rare

patches of open road where traffic is free to move at a faster rate are

constantly ripe with speed traps. Makes you just want to run out to your

car and take a spin, doesn't it?

They say progress is very slow, and they aren't kidding. All of this road

construction in Knox County is expected to last another 18 months. In real

time this means we ought to see the end just before the next Ice Age. And

let's hope so because I'd hate to see the delays that would cause. With any

luck the construction will be done before my grandchildren get their

licenses, but I'm not holding my breath. There are, after all, many

variables to consider when attempting to determine the exact duration of

any major highway construction. Variables such as weather, traffic volume,

laziness of workers and ineptitude of city planners. All of these compose a

complex formula which results in an amount of time which will probably be

off by two or three years. In other words, not even God knows when the

construction will end. Lucky for him he doesn't have to commute.

Rather than facing the time warp of rush hour traffic I have attempted

numerous alternatives. I explored the prospect of commuting up the mighty

Tennessee River, but alas neither I nor any of my friends have a boat,

which I am told is essential for water travel. I thought for a moment about

those ultralight planes, but I hate flying. In a desperate attempt I

coordinated a system involving a very large cannon and a parachute but for

reasons too numerous to count I abandoned the idea. So it appears that I,

too, am to suffer the urban nightmare of traffic jams for all time. Unless

they perfect teleporters, but I hear the lines would be insane.