A moment, if you will, on luck. Many people believe that luck is portioned

out by the cosmos. By this, they imply that luck is directly related to the

individual, and not by the circumstances. Were this the case, the majority

of lucky people would live within the confines of our little nation. As

this is statistically impossible, the very notion that luck is a

predestined fabrication of fate is laughable. Instead, I like to think that

luck is directly related to the situation at hand. This can be terribly

inconvenient for those of us who encounter situations on a daily basis. As

all of you attempt, in vain, to wrap your brains around that bizarre

statement, consider it merely a moment of bad luck, and move on.

The holiday season is officially upon us. I say officially to distinguish

between the actual holiday season and the endless stream of bogus holidays

that have sprung up over the years. Take Groundhog Day, for instance. The

idea of setting aside an entire 24-hour period in order to celebrate marmot

prognostications is beyond me. I will probably never understand it, and it

makes me very happy. But I digress, and point my attentions toward the real

holiday of the year. The one that gets my blood pumping and my ulcer

swelling. I'm talking about the commercial nightmare more often referred to

as Christmas. The older I get, the more I actually find myself enjoying

this holiday, despite the fact that it is a source of tremendous

torment.

The difficulties arise when I finally remember that I actually have to buy

gifts for my family. It's not that I don't enjoy spending my hard-earned

cash on my relatives, but they are very difficult people to shop for.

Unfortunately, luck is never on my side during the holiday season. What

little of it I have left by Thanksgiving becomes lost in a sea of beer and

Jack Daniels, leaving me to fend for myself the remaining month of the

year. Since commercial centers and I have a very complicated relationship,

my luck further deteriorates over the course of the season. And let me tell

you, the last place you want to be with an empty tank of luck is the mall

during Christmas. If you want to survive the experience, that is.

First of all, every member of my family is insane. Since I am also a little

off upstairs, one would think that I could shop for them easily. The

problem, however, is that all of them are insane in different ways, making

the shopping experience even more infuriating. I would have an easier time

shopping for Pat Buchanan in a gay porno shop than shopping for any member

of my family. The revel in their fickleness, and have been known to

completely change their minds in mid-sentence. Not that I am a prize to

shop for, but these people dramatically redefine the word difficult. In any

case, the storm of compulsive spending and incessant wrapping has begun,

and I find myself caught firmly within its torrents. After three trips to

the mall, I have bought nothing. I have walked around a lot, and had more

than a few cocktails, but have come no closer to concluding my shopping

than I had a month ago. My purchasing ineffectiveness, coupled with our

impending finals, has just about driven me to the brink. One more Fa-la-la

and Santa's gonna be walking with a limp next year.

So, as another semester draws to a close, I face the hard truth that I will

wind up, in all likelihood, in Wal-Mart at 2 a.m. Christmas Eve attempting

to wrestle away a Walkman from an elderly woman. I would like to get

through at least one Christmas without pummeling an unsuspecting senior

citizen, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Anyway, I am not going

to let the pressure get to me. Perhaps my family will be satisfied with

whatever I buy them. Perhaps they'll even use the gifts I get them, instead

of sending them to that gift limbo where they vanish forever. That would be

nice, but it's not going to happen. The fact is I just don't know how to

shop. I never have any idea what they want, and can't even begin to guess.

I will spend my money on a wide variety of baubles that will go unused,

falsely appreciated, and will eventually fade to the nothingness of memory.

Thus, the cycle of Christmas will be complete. So, as the holidays draw

near, I advise all of you to start shopping now. Just don't forget to go to

your finals.