Having a big mouth is a very dangerous thing. Not many people on the planet

are capable of shouldering the magnificent burden it creates. Couple it

with a lack of social conscience and a tendency to be overly frank and you

have a slight insight into the twisted little slice of hell I call my life.

But fret not, dear friends, for I possess a thick skin and am quite

impervious to the scorn of others. I take my lumps as well as I give them.

It is in this spirit that we must examine the phenomenon of the big mouth.

Let us begin at the beginning. Not the literal beginning, but more like the

place where I feel like starting.

In the beginning, there was Adolf Hitler. He had a very big mouth, a very

tiny moustache and a few parts missing upstairs. He used his big mouth to

talk up a bunch of trouble in Europe a few years ago. Those of you who took

Western Civ probably have no idea what I'm talking about, so we'll keep it

simple. He was a very bad man who would never have accomplished anything if

he had not had a big mouth. If he had been born mute, he would have lived

in poverty as a Charlie Chaplin impersonator. He was able to do a lot of

damage simply because he had a very big mouth and a great deal of anger.

Oh, did I mention that he was crazy?

Next, not chronologically but in terms of degree, we come to a little

fellow known as Napoleon, a man whose tiny stature hid a very large mouth.

How else could such a man rise to be the emperor of France? It certainly

wasn't an issue of physical intimidation, for I'd wager that an anemic,

half-blind chimpanzee on crack could have kicked his ass. So it was

necessary for him to learn, probably at a very early age, to talk a good

game. He used this to conquer most of Europe. Unfortunately for him, the

big mouth that gave him his power ultimately got him exiled. All that

trouble was caused because he lacked the necessary restraint.

These are just two examples of the world's greatest big mouths, but they

both seem to illustrate a pattern of compulsive behavior inherent in all

their ilk. Perhaps all this intensive analysis of the big mouths will

marshal in some dramatic change in yours truly, but I think we all know

that it's not very likely. So, in the interest of filling space, I will now

attempt to isolate for you exactly what can be learned from history's

greatest talkers. With any luck, you can master these lessons before the

next semester and return to the university with barbed tongue and rapier

wit. At the very least, you should be able to dismiss your TAs with a

single word, although there's very little challenge in it.

First of all, never underestimate a complete and total jackass. It takes

years and years of consistent inconsiderateness and verbal intrepidity to

become a full-fledged jackass. The confines of decency and respect left

these individuals long ago, to be replaced by a desire only for malice and

self-gratification. The combination of these traits creates a rather

volatile human being with a penchant for overstated self-expression. In

other words, they talk entirely too much and show no concern for the damage

their words cause to others. These are the folks to watch out for, because

they take the role of big mouth entirely too far. Although it does take

years to achieve the legitimate status of jackass, it can be reached more

immediately with the consumption of large quantities of alcohol.

As I have said, having a big mouth can be a very dangerous thing. The

trick lies in knowing when to use it and when not to. This is something

that can only be learned through experience, not taught. After my extensive

research in the area of the big mouth, I have found only one universal

truth: Never attack Russia in the winter. Now I'm not certain exactly what

bearing that advice has in our everyday lives, but I have the next couple

of weeks to figure it out. In the meantime, I will do my best to avoid

letting my big mouth get me into trouble. And if any of you have a problem

with that, you can lean over and kiss my big, hairy butt.